Intimate Strangers: Men and Women Together

Amazing how this older book still applies to today!
I bought this for a friend of mine and he was happy with my purchase. I only gave it 4 stars, because of the age of the book- 35 years old! It’s impossible to make a book that old, look brand new, but it was in great shape for its’ age. (ha! ha! It sounds like I’m talking about a person!) Thank you!

it is still quite useful.
Lillian Rubin was an insightful psychologist with plenty of practical perspective to share, as she moved through the cases she presented. Although originally published in 1983, it is still quite useful.

High comedy, low insights
I remember a few years ago, this book had acheived some fame as a sort of frappucino version of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” I was never inclined to read such a thing, as my philosophy on the matter is that “women are from mars, pass the beer nuts.” However, upon a slight perusal of the thing on a psychologist friend’s bookshelf, I couldn’t stop myself from reading the whole thing. In fact, I could not help laughing out loud every couple of pages; shucks I was positively roaring with laughter. I do not think I have ever laughed so hard at any book, television comedy, or moving picture farce in years. The upshot of the book was that women want men to share their emotions to increase their “intimacy.” Most men resist this. They do not have strong or differentiated feelings on most subjects, and when they do, they often consider them to be private matters; stuff which their wives couldn’t relate to anyway. Men simply do not have complicated emotional lives, and what emotions they do have, they do not ascribe great importance to, being more interested in building impressive objects out of plastic and iron, such as monster trucks or nuclear submarines.On the rare occasions that men are browbeaten by their wives into sharing their feeeeeeeelings (one must pronounce it this way, I think) on a regular basis, the inevitable result was, well, divorce! Of course the author, being a proud posessor of two X chromosomes, still seemed to think this emotion sharing “intimacy” was a good thing (because all women seemed to want it), despite admitting that it generally resulted not in any kind of improved relationship, but breakup! There were plenty of wonderful “man/woman” stories she brought up from her theraputic practise, none of which would suprise any student of human nature -these parts almost read like a stand-up comic routine; she seemed to find these stories suprising and revelatory rather than banal. Stories like “all he seems to want to do is eat, have sex and watch television!” Or, “she’s always bothering me about my ‘feelings.’ What feelings? My feelings after work are, ‘I am tired and want to go to sleep.'” Or, “I always wanted him to share his feelings until he did, and then I found out what a weak, contemptable coward he is! I want a big strong daddy to take care of me!” I am paraphrasing, of course, but these were the upshot. Beyond my eternal amusement at the poltroonery, odiousness and feeblemindedness of the human animal, one of the things I found most amusing about all this was her perpetual amazement at it all, and her sniffily haughty assertions that she and her husbands relationship isn’t as screwey as those of her patients. The latter sounded suspiciously like ordinary housewife coup-counting; “well, my Larry is so well trained, he mows the lawn and makes me breakfast in bed, (subtext: unlike your lump who just watches football games).” I would love to eat dinner at her place. Surely such a unique example of domestic bliss would be quite a thing to watch in action.For what it is worth, after reading this one I have purchased and read every single one of Ms. Rubin’s books, some of which I actually think are pretty insightful. I’m probably her biggest fan, though I suspect she’d find my insufficiently reverent attitude insulting. I say the insights are low, because they’re the type of insight you could get from talking to any old lady who has been around the block a bit. If you don’t have some local charwoman to set you straight on the facts of life, such “low” insights can be pretty powerful. In this case, you should buy her book and learn some more about the human condition.

Excellent insights for midlifers
If you ever wondered why young women want to badly get married while young men don’t, when as middle-aged women after divorce or widowhood prefer to stay single but their male counterparts want to remarry as quickly as possible, then you will get the answers here.As a female reader, Rubin’s book made total sense at 37, but 10 years later, I understand her findings ever better: many women in midlife feel: who needs marriage? But men have grown quite comfortable in their hubby role . “Intimate Strangers” is not an advice book, it merely states the facts of Rubin’s research, her interviews with men and women. She is just saying it as it is. If you are a man wondering why things are turning a bit sour now that you have been married for 20 years, this book is for you, and of course, if you are a woman no longer willing to compromise about anything, this book is for you too. It makes us feel a little less guilty and a lot more relaxed knowing we are not the only ones out there, despising the things we do. Time to rethink the institution of marriage and why other forms of partnerships during different phases of our lives are not more tolerated by now.